I’ve been thinking a lot about this upcoming adventure and how much I’ll be asking of total strangers and friends. I mean, let’s be honest, being a missionary essentially makes you a professional beggar (at least it can seem that way on the outside). That being the case, I want to make sure that you know who you are supporting. I want to be transparent.
I think it is really sad that transparency seems to be a negative thing among Christian leaders sometimes. Sure, we say that we want to be transparent, but when rubber hits the road it’s really necessary to seem like you have it “all together.” Well, news flash, I don’t have it all together. I don’t think anyone really does.
So in the interest of honesty, and an attempt to really have you know me, I am going to, from time to time, post an unedited log from my journal. I hope that you find it encouraging, and at it will help bridge the gap caused from being a world away.
I wrote the following post while in Thailand for the first time. It was all a bit overwhelming, but I am still as sure now as I was then that God had this plan for me and my family:
Tuesday, July 2nd, 2013 – 9pm – Bangkok, Thailand
I’m having a hard time gathering my thoughts. I feel like there is a flood of emotions coupled with periods of total blankness.
I guess I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel, and I’m afraid of missing something. I’m trying so desperately to experience every moment fully. Lord, it is becoming increasingly apparent that I have NO idea what I’m doing. Don’t get me wrong, I am loving every moment of this life, but I want to know that I am giving myself to You fully.
It is an interesting place to be, this identity in Christ bit. Here I am, fully a prince of the universe. Living with victory over sin and death inside of me, completely, but at the same time I continually feel so weak and lost. God, I know that this is part of the truth of your plan, but I struggle with being true to both, because both are honest.
God I love you. I know that I cannot do anything a part from you, and I want to do ALOT. Teach me to dwell in you every moment of every day. Use me today God. I don’t understand these people. I don’t speak their language. I can’t read their words, but Lord, I truly believe that Your spirit is bigger than all of that. Fill me Lord in such a fullness and unique way, that I can radiate the love of Christ without words. Open my mind to understand what’s going on around me. Give me wisdom and discernment in all situations. Take all of me Lord and use it uniquely. Give me an ability to pray today, praying in a way that is honoring to you.
You need to do this God, I know I can’t. I am fully surrendered to you, at least as much as I know how. I am willing to do whatever you tell me, I just need to know.
Have you ever felt that way? The pressure between feeling so low but knowing you are treasured by God? How did you overcome it? Have you ever felt the desire to be fully surrendered but honestly didn’t know if you were? How did you get lower before God, and laid down more of you?
Leave a comment. Talk about it. I guarantee it will be encouraging for me, and you … and maybe even a person you’ll never meet.
Thanks so much for partnering with me and Katie. We truly couldn’t do this without you.