Well, Baby Shepherd, you are here. Outside. In the world. Borned. Birthed.
It’s like you’ve always been here, kid. We just love you.
Now, you are probably unaware of this as of yet, simply because you’re tiny and don’t really know what’s going on, but your mom and dad can be morons. Yes, we love you and we’re all emotional and weepy and happy you’re here. Yes, we’re in baby bliss time where every noise you make is adorable and we just sit and stare at your face.
But, we’re still fresh and young at this parenting thing and we can be, well, like I said, morons.
Here’s a picture of your second night home with sweet mommy and daddy:
-Mom and Dad decide to go to bed. Start moving you + your parts (at this point you needed to be in a bilirubin blanket that made you look like you were being turned into some kind of radioactive super baby that glowed) to the room. You = hate being cold/naked/generally disturbed and thus start hollering like someone has cut your toe off.
-Mom decides to feed you in her bed. You decide to puke on Mom’s bed and all over your swaddler.
-You decide to make a massive poop the second Dad gets you in a clean swaddler. Mom changes you. You pee all over clean swaddler. Mom takes off swaddler. You scream (see note about not liking nakedness).
-Dad finds blanket to swaddle you in (all swaddlers are now covered in cute baby pee). Dad Googles how to swaddle with blanket. Dad swaddles you while reading WikiHow on the computer.
-You decide to make another massive poop the second Dad finishes swaddling you. Mom changes you. You pee all over blanket, Mom’s pillow and Mom’s side of the bed. Again.
-Dad finds another blanket. Repeats Google process. You, meanwhile, have gone horse from all your super sweet, precious, adorable screaming.
-Mom decides to pump before bed. Mom pumps. Mom, frantic to get milk into your screaming, pee-making body, spills an entire pumped container of milk on her side of the bed.
-You get formula.
-Dad tells Mom she’s not allowed to change/feed/interact with you on his side of the bed.
-Mom lays a towel over the various wet spots on her side of the bed and sleeps for an hour before starting a similar process over again.
-Meanwhile, you, sweet Shep, give the stink eye with a look that says, “These two clowns have no clue what they’re doing.”
And we don’t. And we laughed so hard Mom almost peed Mom’s side of the bed as well.
We love you, Shepherd Douglas. Welcome to crazy.